Boss-Type Parents: Who Allowed You to Be Happy?

Murong Fu in *Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils* was named "Fu" (Restore) at birth, constantly reminded of his grand mission to restore his fallen kingdom.

When the Western Xia princess was recruiting a consort, she asked each candidate: "What is the happiest time of your life?" "Who is the person you love most?" "What does the person you love most look like?"

When asked these questions, Murong Fu couldn't answer. Busy fulfilling the demands of his parents and family, he said, "I have no one I love most." As for the happiest time, he said it "is in the future, not now," entirely anchored in an indefinitely delayed future that could never be realized.

By the end of *Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils*, burdened by the grand ideals of his ancestors, Murong Fu went mad. It was only by playing make-believe games with a group of children that he finally found a little happiness.

Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist, along with researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin, categorized parents into four types:

Permissive.

Authoritative.

Neglectful.

Authoritarian.

Neglectful means completely ignoring the child. Permissive means always giving in. Authoritative means being caring but also enforcing rules.

The Authoritarian type demands absolute obedience, using threats, humiliation, and punishment to control the child. They offer no affection, little support, only demands—and harsh ones at that.

Children of such parents seem unworthy of "happiness in the present." All their joy is locked away in some distant future. Promises of the future are made but never fulfilled. Even happiness requires permission.

As a result, these children increasingly develop people-pleasing personalities.

Explaining how such parents come to be, Mohsen Joshanloo and Dan Weijers from Wellington, New Zealand, wrote a paper stating that in some East Asian cultures, due to persistent harsh demands and difficult mental circumstances, people believe that extreme joy will inevitably lead to sorrow; once satisfied, a person will be punished. They believe happiness is fragile, highly unstable, and will attract the hatred of fate. In such cultures, happiness is seen as sinful and superficial—one must never be happy lightly. This is exactly like Murong Fu: happiness is only in the future, never in the present.

They themselves have likely suffered too much and believe in the conservation of joy and suffering. If you enjoy too much today, you will suffer tomorrow. To prevent future disasters, it's better to proactively endure hardship. They are not very happy themselves, and they cannot stand to see their children happy. They feel the need to knock their children down a peg to feel at ease. And this pain is passed down from generation to generation.

I have more than one elder, already at the age of being a grandmother, who personally admitted: they please their parents because the generation above them showed favoritism; thus, while they are tense around their own elders, they also crave their approval, and consequently, they internalize this pattern.

I have also seen more than one elder, already a grandfather, who said they are constantly worrying about everything because they were raised to put family first, taught that "lack of foresight leads to immediate worry," and to "endure hardship first, enjoy later." As a result, they haven't enjoyed much in their entire lives. Moreover, they must be vigilant in times of peace and strive for success. Unable to achieve success themselves, they turn around and demand it from their own children.

Childhood traumas do not heal automatically with time; psychological shadows are passed down from generation to generation, affecting one's own children. As a result, many children end up paying the price for their parents' psychological shadows.

Then the cycle enters the next dead loop.

It is actually quite easy to identify such parents.

Either when they want you to do something, they never explain, only putting on a stern face: "Just do as I say." "What reasoning can you have with your elders?" "Would I ever harm you?"

Or, while trying to control their children, they vaguely feel something is wrong. To maintain an unquestionable stance, everything they say is prefaced with self-defense, even to the point of protesting too much.

"I'm not criticizing you."

"I don't want to control you; it's just that you're doing it wrong."

"I'm not being mean to you; I'm doing it for your own good."

"It's not that we can't afford it; we just don't want to spoil the child."

"It's not that it's too expensive; it's just poor value for money."

All of this is exactly the same logic as "It's not that I don't trust you, I just want to broaden my horizons."

Of course, when parents act like this, they are essentially no different from bosses: they both believe that happiness is a zero-sum game. If you have more happiness, they will have less. So they batch-control your happiness.

Therefore, harsh parents who won't let you be happy perfectly mirror terrible bosses who won't pay you—it's a seamless fit.

Source: Zhang Jiawei's Writing Space